Not your uterus, not your sperm? Not your problem!

I always thought it was a South Asian thing to be obsessed with the idea of marriage and children. From our early 20s we are barraged with questions on our plans for work, marriage and kids. I left home primarily to get away from nosy neighbors, “loving” relatives, and the long working hours. As I travelled the world, and added people from different cultures to my list of friends and acquaintances, I found out I was wrong. It’s not South Asian to be obnoxiously curious about one’s matrimonial and reproductive plans, it’s just (ignorantly) human.

I’m single, in my mid-thirties, in a solid relationship and without a definite plan for marriage or kids. The questions and remarks are endless. “You guys should get married already!”, “Don’t you want kids?”, “I think you will make a great mom!”, “Tick-tock, tick-tock, there goes your biological clock”. Look, I appreciate your concern, I really do, but can you please focus on the one thousand things that are wrong in your own life first? Thank you.

How did we all universally grow up not knowing how to mind your own business? Why aren’t we taught the basics while growing up? Why do we put marriage or kids as a metric for success for everyone around us, particularly for women?

I am pro having kids, but it’s crucial to note that it is is my personal preference. No matter how great friends you think you are, or how angelic your intentions are, the remarks on someone not having kids is offensive on so many levels. Primarily because almost always, it is not a matter of personal preference. One in four women go through a miscarriage. It’s an emotional and often traumatic incident, and it’s more common than you would think it is. Many of them might be trying unsuccessfully to have kids for years, sometimes a decade, and they are worried and scared. Many of them might be going through painful procedures trying to better their chances at having kids. Or perhaps they simply don’t want kids. Or maybe, like me, they are afraid.

I’ve always wanted to have a huge family. As I grew older and didn’t get married, a part of me began to believe that I might not be able to have kids. I’m too religious to think about having kids outside marriage. I see so many women around me struggle to get pregnant, most of them silently, and I feel that even if I tried, I am going to be one of them. I’ve seen countless shows, including Oprah (how she failed me!) that keep reminding you that once you hit a certain age, your chances to get pregnant goes down dramatically. Tick tock. I have been to too many unpleasant and condescending gynecologists who have made me feel there is something wrong with me. Over time I have unconsciously made myself believe I do not want kids. How can I be hurt for not having something I didn’t want in the first place, right?

These are not just people who are statistics. These are men and women who sit next to you in the trains, your colleague who sits across your weirdly grey cubicle, the crazy couple who you hear yelling next door, your sibling and your best friend from college. The inability to have kids is more common than you think. Whatever the reason, they don’t need to share any of it with you. And the thing is, when they are ready to share, they will. The longer you stay without asking such uncomfortable questions, the sooner they will trust you enough to share their fears. And when that time comes, your job is to listen. Just listen. No follow up questions and no unsolicited advice. They will share to the extend that they are comfortable with. If they need help, they will specifically ask. Otherwise, just listen. But whatever you do, don’t be that person. Don’t be that person who traumatizes someone who might already be broken and struggling to manage their emotions, just because you are curious and have a big nose. If you have spare time, use that to build yourself. Paint. Read. Stare at your ceiling. Or think about fixing all your character flaws. And when you feel the urge to know why someone is single and getting older, or has been in a relationship, or been married for a long time and seems to have no plans to have kids… remember these golden words — “it’s not your effing problem!”